A friend of mine posted on social media today that she was feeling sad. She realized that it was one year ago that she had to close her beloved shop that she had put her heart in soul into creating and building. It was a beautiful shop that in the 11 short months it was open had built a sense of community and belonging that one doesn’t usually associate with a store, but that was part of my friend’s magic. Some things out of her control, including some sketchy actions by others were big contributors to the closing of the store, and that is part of the grief.
I am not here to talk specifically about her store though, but more about the value in being real with where we are. Over the last year as she’s shared a moment of grief, some people have commented that she should get over it, it was a store. What they don’t realize is that it wasn’t just a store, it was something she had created, from a great idea, she had grown a community. I met her at the store about a month after the opening, and it became my go-to for gifts and a moment of cheer in my day. Because it wasn’t just a store, it was a safe place to share and be.
And that is what my friend is mourning today, and I honor her for her transparency. Too often we have been convinced by the world that having our feelings is not OK, or that a year later we should be ‘over it.’ But that’s just not how feelings work.
Social scientist Brené Brown wrote: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
What I see again and again is that when we bring the feelings into the light, when we are willing to share, we also create a space for others to connect and extend empathy, and the result is the lightening of the load.
There was a time when having ‘a stiff upper lip’ was the way to be. Folks were expected to ‘tough it out.’ But this has led to generations of people who live from the default of their stories of pain. It is the typical ‘bottled up’ feelings life. This leaves us stuck though, when we deny the truth of who we are, how we feel, and what happened, we are putting a post in that spot that only has a leash so long. We can’t fully move forward because we have unresolved business.
When my friend made that post this morning, she allowed others in to share their remembrances, to offer encouragement, to honor her as a person who did something brave. Instead of clinging to that post, she is lengthening the rope, by acknowledging it’s there. I think of my other brave friends who have shared that they are experiencing trouble of some sort, and the overwhelming support and love that they receive as a result of their willingness to be vulnerable. It not only helps them, it’s a reminder to those who may be not quite that brave yet, that they are not alone.
I have been reminded again and again as we have been studying Nonviolent Communication, the power of authenticity to foster healing and resolution. I get that it can be scary, to share what one is feeling, many of us have had a negative experience as a result of being authentic in an unsafe venue. But it doesn’t have to be that way. When we are willing to share authentically, we bring healing for ourselves, and each of our healings contribute to the healing of the world.
So share your truth, untether yourself from the past, the world is waiting.
And I’m cheering you on.
Rev. Rachel