Unity Spiritual Center of Anchorage

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Unity Spiritual Center of Anchorage
PO Box 240173
Anchorage, AK 99524

Expectations and Peace of Mind

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In my years working with teens and young adults nationally, regionally, and locally I have accumulated many facebook friends who are now young adults.

One of these friends was expressing her disappointment in receiving two B’s this semester where her previous grads had been all A’s. She had perspective; she understood that this wasn’t the end of the world, just that it was missing the goal she had made for herself.

I had a number of responses I could have said, but as her friends seemed to have it well in hand, I pondered something bigger.

That is expectations, doing our best, and peace of mind.

Some of us have had a lot of expectations put on us by parents/teachers/society/etc., and others have self-inflicted expectations. But why? We don’t have to say yes to these expectations, though often we don’t realize that until it’s become almost second nature. Getting straight A’s in college is a worthy goal, but the student making that goal may not realize what they are getting into. They may not realize that there are professors out there who grade on a curve or don’t believe in giving A’s. Or they may learn of a class that sounds really interesting but also know that it’s really hard. If they are committed to that 4.0 GPA, maybe they don’t take the class for fear of a less than A grade. I don’t think that’s what college or life is supposed to be about.

Once we realize that our expectations may not match with reality, what we can work with instead is doing our best. What is our best? It changes day to day. In my last Fall quarter of seminary my dad entered Hospice care. I rearranged the classes I could to give myself a lighter term, but some classes I had to take that quarter or not graduate on schedule. My best effort some of those days was not the caliber of my best effort of some other times in my school career. It didn’t matter, I was present to what I needed to be present to: my family, my feelings, and yes my school work.

When we allow our expectations to be more flexible and instead do our best, the result is peace of mind. I remember one of my classmates commenting how happy they were when they got their first B after earning all A’s for several terms. My friend said it took the pressure off, they no longer had the possibility of getting a perfect grade throughout school and now he could breathe. Not that they wouldn’t keep putting in all their effort, but that now they could do it with less stress.

This applies to so much more than schooling, I see people getting themselves all worked up trying to meet some illusorily and unattainable standard, when they would be so much happier allowing that their best was all they could do. In giving themselves permission to be right where they were would actually free up their energies to do better!

The desire for perfection is paralyzing. If I wanted to do everything in my work ‘perfect’ I would never get anything done. I would tweak the website endlessly without ever publishing the new version. I would have to edit and re-read every blog for days. I would obsess over each sermon. I would have to use a script to pray instead of taking a deep breath and just be-ing with whomever is before me. And don’t get me started in how many things I forget to put in the enews weekly! In giving myself permission to do my best I move forward learning from my mistakes and striving to incorporate them in future efforts. I have the peace of mind that not every thing is going to be perfect, but it’s going to be pretty good, and sometimes even great, and while we strive for excellence, there is always going to be another level to attain. (That’s why doctors and lawyers offices are called their ‘practice’.)

One of my dear classmates who was juggling in seminary at least as many things as I, always joked with me when things got stressful, “B’s get degrees.” Because sometimes a date with your spouse, a walk with a friend, or a nap is the best way to care for yourself and your life.

In short, have some fun along with the ‘tasks’ of life. You’re going to do fine, and you’ll have a lot more peace.

In Joy

Rev. Ra

PS I’ve never had anyone hiring care much about my GPA, experiences count so much more.

PPS My GPA was 3.7 in both undergrad and masters (not that anyone cares).

Your Maintenance Plan

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I was out of town for 2 weeks. When I left, there were still some patches of snow were it had been deep and many of the cars around town were covered in a winter’s worth of dirt and grime, including ours.

My husband Bill had taken the car to get washed while I was gone, but when I queried why he didn’t have the oil changed, something that is included in the new vehicle package that came with our SUV, he said: “I forgot.”

Folks, there is a light on the dashboard that reminds you that it’s time for maintenance. I had mentioned it to him, but the car wash, for which there is no light, is the thing that happened.

I thought this was such a perfect example of what can happen when we are walking the spiritual path, or even the path of life. We can put a lot of energy and focus on the superficial things: am I siting in the right position? Am I saying the right words? Am I drinking the right tea? These things can be helpful to our journey, but they are window dressings compared to the real work of spiritual growth or even maintenance.

But it’s not as much fun right? Going to the car wash is a short funhouse ride through bubbles and water, with fluffy brushes working all around you while you’re dry and warm within your car. Changing the oil on the other hand requires either waiting around in a greasy smelling waiting room, or actually getting in there and getting dirty yourself. Neither of which are as much fun.

So we put off the real work and go for the easy stuff. A wise homeowner knows that you can’t paint over dry rot, it needs to be taken out and replaced.

The spiritual/emotional journey does have fluffy rainbow moments, but it also has a good number of potholes, quicksand, and discomfort. Why is that? Why is the journey to be free so darn hard?

Because we are masters of delusion. We all have done it; it’s how we cope with a world that isn’t how we would like it to be. Maybe we were taught to not show/have feelings. Maybe we believed we were unworthy. Maybe we’ve had so many disappointments we have decided that good things don’t happen to keep our hearts safe. So we keep the door closed on that stuff, we cover our light before others can come along and try to do it for us.

But then we have a problem, because to be free, to delve deeper into our spiritual journey, we have to transcend that junk we have been picking up our whole lives. We need a spiritual oil change.

It’s not always pretty, it means remembering, feeling, and healing the hurts of the past. It means staying the course even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s not something you can pawn off on anyone else, (unlike the car’s oil change) and it’s not something you can hurry either. While counselors, ministers, and friends can walk alongside you, they cannot walk through the doors or grief for you.

So why bother? Why not keep it buttoned up like so many before us?

It’s the reason you’re still reading this dear one, something in you is calling you to go deeper. Something in you hints to a kind of peace that you’ve experienced in a moment here and there. Maybe you’ve met someone with a deep spiritual practice, such as a monk or holy person, and you felt a pull to have more of that in your life. Maybe you’ve been studying spiritual teachers and have realized that struggle isn’t a required part of the human experience. We don’t walk the path of spiritual growth/enlightenment because it’s easy, we do it because it’s necessary.

This summer in our sermon series we’re going to be exploring 10 methods of deepening our spiritual growth following Robert Brumet’s book Living Originally. But before we get to that I have some advice to move from cleaning the outside at the car wash to getting in to the real gunk that is blocking your good.

First and foremost, Prayer and Meditation. Commit. Every Day. If you’re not meditating every day, start, even a few minutes. If you are meditating daily try adding some time. Try extending your format, you can get distracted by all the various ways to do this, my advice is simple: pick something and try it for at least a week before deciding if you need to tweak or change.

Second, embrace the discomfort. When we commit to the spiritual journey, it is a given that uncomfortable or painful memories or behaviors will show up. These things come up to be healed, if you can be brave and face the discomfort head-on, you will eventually find freedom. It may not be as quickly as you would like, but in the end, the energy expended in the process of healing is much less than a lifetime of suppression.

Third, remember you’re not alone. While only you can actually walk your journey, you are allowed a community to walk alongside you. This is why we have spiritual (church) communities, this is why we have counselors and ministers who are trained to help and be a support to folks on the journey.

Finally, stay the course. It’s not easy, but most things worth doing are. The stories are countless of the folks whose lives were transformed by their sticking to it. So too are the stories of the folks who gave up at the last bend in the road. The good news is that there’s no timeline or anticipated due date, just keep at it and trust yourself.

There are many resources out there to help you along the path, I hope you will consider me one of them and let me recommend books or practices that may apply to where you are. You can always schedule an appointment for a chat or stop by during office hours.

While it’s certainly nice to have the car washed and clean of grime, remember the real work is always an inside job, and is usually not as fun or obvious in results. In the long run however, it’s what keeps your motor running.
Happy Travels,
Rev. Rachel

PS Bill approved my sharing this story about him.

Minding my own Business

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I just completed writing an article for Unity Worldwide Ministries about technology in church. In my research, I noted that one of the issues is that folks get distracted by other people using technology.

Which got me thinking: obviously if someone is making noise or having dramatic reactions that are incongruous with what’s happening in the room it’s distracting, but if they are quietly typing away, what’s the problem?

There isn’t one, the problem is in our own judgement of what is appropriate and acceptable.

This applies to much more than the typing in church topic. In school, students are reminded to stay focused on their own work and not be distracted by other students. I can tell you from my brief season of substitute teaching that the inclination to make them wrong and me right is starts early. (or is learned early)

Yes, if harm is being caused, then intervention may be required, but many times we get ourselves all bent out of shape about things that are none of our business. On the other hand, the urge to conform can be so strong that a person may be hesitant to try something new or unknown for fear of being ridiculed.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. What if we did what our teachers or parents inevitably told us countless times, which is ‘mind your own business.’ What if we interrupted the cycle of judging someone for doing it ‘wrong’ and getting our knickers in a twist. Could we just say ‘oh, well that’s not how I would do it, but maybe that works better for them.’

It can be hard to do that, I think back to the elementary students and the bombardment of telling on someone. What is this need to show up as right? I think often when we get discombobulated by someone else’s actions that have nothing to do with us, it maybe is pushing against our insecurity in how we do things ourselves. What if they are doing it the right way and I am messing up? Could I be judged for this? Better to quash differences, or at least shun them and feel superior.

As most of us who have started living with someone as an adult have experienced, whether roommate or romantic partner, there is a period of adjustment when deeply held beliefs about the ‘right way’ to do common household tasks are renegotiated. The truth is over and under both are effective ways to hang toilet paper, but you’d think we were debating matters of grave importance with the way folks get fired up.

Now dear reader, I know that you are a traveler on the spiritual path and are trying to transcend silly things like this. But it’s a slippery slope, I have heard many the spiritual seeker play the same game with different clothing. This time it may sound like ‘my spiritual teacher is the right way’ or ‘this kind of spiritual practice is the best.’ That’s just ego showing up as uncomfortable in another way.

Instead of saying my way is better, how about: ‘I have preferred the ___ method, but I’m glad that way is working for you.’

What a more peaceful and harmonious world we could have if we simply let go of being annoyed by other people doing things in ways we don’t approve of, even when they have no effect on us. After all, we all have plenty of our own hiccups to resolve, maybe that would be a more productive use of our time?

Minding my own business,
Rachel

Appearances

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On Facebook an acquaintance had posted a picture of a person who had multiple piercings, tattoos, and other modifications to her appearance that were covering much of what was visible. The caption was “use one word to describe.”

It had been up for a good part of the day when I noticed that the comments were mostly negative. Ugly. Disturbed. Confused. Sad.

After some thought I decided I needed to say something. I realized that while the person in question was not aware of this post, and probably has heard it all, not saying anything, to me, was a silent acceptance of this kind of aggression.

Now you may say: “oh those folks are having an opinion,” or “it’s not mean, they’re not saying it to the person’s face.”

I disagree, this seemingly no-harm conversation was really a venue to say it’s ok to judge and/or condemn someone based solely on their appearance. In addition, the commenters got the added boost of feeling superior to this unknown person.

What’s that about? Why do we have this urge to put down someone who has decided to not conform to social norms?

I wonder sometimes if there’s a little jealousy in there. I know many folks feel as if they must dress/act/groom within certain parameters to be ‘ok.’ When this person shows up totally breaking the ‘rules,’ does it make you uncomfortable? Is it in part because it challenges the assumption that you should conform to a particular norm?

My story is not as extreme. I had wanted to put blue streaks in my hair since I was a teenager, I finally did it when I was 31. It took that long because of parameters others (such as employers) put on me as well as my own buying into the pressure of the world. Once I dyed my hair I had detractors telling me that I couldn’t get a job as a minister with teal/blue hair. What I realized is that I could conform on the outside, but it wouldn’t change who I was on the inside, and a ministry that wasn’t ok with my blue/teal hair, wouldn’t be a good fit for me anyway! Now, after almost 6 years with colored hair, I can say that it’s become much more common to see (oh the fickleness of fashion), and that it has opened doors with people who are often sidelined by mainstream religion. And of course since you’re reading this, it means I also found a great ministry match.

The person in the picture on Facebook had obviously spent much time, money, thought, and pain in transforming her look. I called it creative, bold, expressive. I called it brave for being who she wanted to be.

If you notice yourself judging someone else’s choice of expression might I suggest some alternate responses:

  • Wow! I’ve never seen anything like that before.
  • Hmm, I wouldn’t make that choice for me, but I bet he/she has a really interesting story.
  • I’ve never seen those colors together before, I’m not sure it works to my eye.
  • That’s not my preference.
  • Or you could just talk to the person as a person and not say ANYTHING about their choices in outer expression.

You wouldn’t (hopefully) judge a person for wearing something that was a symbol of their faith such as head coverings, prayer shawls, or keeping their hair in a certain way. Why condemn someone for their bravery in expressing their authentic self? Even if it’s not your preference? Even if your social norm doesn’t align?

Do I participate in condemning others for something as superficial as their appearance? Why would I waste my time putting someone else down? Don’t I have something better to do? Do I truly gain anything?

In our current climate, where our interconnectedness is accentuated by all these social media and hype websites, we get to choose what we put out there. Judging someone for their choices in physical expression is only a step away from making the person wrong/bad/other. When a person is wrong/bad/other, it is only a step away from them being not as valuable as those who are ‘right’. When a person is not as valuable as others, their problems, suffering, and feelings don’t matter. And then, their life doesn’t matter.

If this seems extreme to you, think for a moment how various ‘outsider’ groups have been treated in history. It’s not pretty. That’s why I maintain that the condemning remarks about this uniquely expressing person on someone’s Facebook page matter. It served no purpose except for the poster to feel superior and others to condemn.

Some of the best advice we’ve all heard at some point is ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ It’s so simple, and yet, I believe it is one of the keys to creating a more harmonious, safe, and loving world.

Will you join me in shifting the cycle of violence to one of compassion?
Rev. Ra

Quiet Journeys

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Last week I shrugged off the snow encased world of Anchorage for the sun and rain drenched world of northern California. I spent some time with my family and then headed over to Walnut Creek to meet with other ministers from around the country and discuss the business of moving along Unity as a movement.

There was an optional bus trip on Wednesday to visit other ministries in the area. I thought it might be interesting, but I decided that taking some time alone was a better use of my day. We had spent the day before in impassioned discussions over who we are and what we’re doing. I also knew that I need time by myself to balance, integrate, and reflect.

So I headed into the mountains. I brought my water bottle, camera, journal and pen, a granola bar, and my turned off phone (for emergencies). I would love to say I had a totally mindful meditation for those hours I trekked, but that would be poppycock. I just gave space for there to be more space in my heart and mind. With nature and which trail to take as the only input, I allowed the chatter of my mind a space to settle a bit.

Sometimes when I found my thoughts really going wild, I sang a chant or new thought song to refocus. I tried side trails that looked interesting, and eventually, I found this:

Ah ha! a great place to meditate for a while. As I sat there gazing at the waterfall and surrounding area, I kept noticing more details, more bits of swirling water and colorful stones. If I hadn’t sat down to look how much would I have seen? How often do we look without seeing?

In just a handful of hours I slowed down to look at the world around me and my own inner commentary. There is wisdom and insight there when we take the time to notice, just as there is so much more going on around the waterfall than the central stream.

What would happen if we really allowed ourselves the time and space to really listen to one another and ourselves, to really look at our world?

I meditate most every day, it is an essential part of my day and if for some reason I miss it, I feel the difference. This practice is the daily fuel that keeps me going just as we eat every day to keep our bodies going. But it’s not enough alone for me to navigate the sometimes complicated and turbulent waters that are part of life. I aim to weekly take a couple hours to turn off the influx of information and entertainment that is normal in most of our lives and engage in a meditative creative pursuit, or nature excursion.

This extended peaceful time is a space for wisdom to emerge, for insight to ignite, to affirm that I’m worth taking the time. In the busy life with due dates and injustices looming 24/7 it is all too easy to let ourselves put that self-care aside. What I have learned is what the spiritual leaders of the past and present agree on, is that self-care is essential to sticking with it for the long-haul.

So go climb the mountain, draw, build, write, and just be. See the unseen, hear the unheard. You will be rewarded with more peace, harmony, and focus. Do it for yourself, do it for the world.