The motto of my high school graduating class was “To thine own self be true.” This popular Shakespeare quote was a foreshadowing that I would go on to major in theatre, and then become a minister. Because really, being true to oneself, and by extension their understanding of God, is what the spiritual path is about.
This has been on my mind this week as I have had several opportunities to practice what I preach. Our social norms allow for us to behave in irrational or unhealthy ways when we are upset. Pick your poison: food, alcohol, shopping, etc. When things aren’t going well, escape is available temporarily.
I was out walking in the rain, which with the proper shoes and jacket is actually quite nice, and I was thinking about what I could do about a certain situation. I felt upset, annoyed, and frustrated, and the walking was doing part of its job to help me blow off steam. But should I do something else?
I thought about what others have done in this position, and what choices I have made in the past. Gosh sometimes it seems like it would be easier to suspend the belief that running from or drowning my feelings would fix the problem. If you’ve been around very long, you know that’s only a temporary distraction, though plenty still try it.
So then In talking about the spiritual attribute of Strength this week, I reminded our Wednesday evening group that even though we sometimes joke around as a defense to take the focus off of the real matter at hand, the deep work happens when we are brave and willing to face our monsters.
Next we acknowledge what we can and can’t do. Don’t waste your energy trying to make what is be something else. Water flows downhill, no amount of standing in the river yelling at it will make it change course.
(Though if standing in a river and yelling will help you feel better, go ahead and do it. Often physical acts that don’t harm anyone including yourself are great ways to express/release the high emotion so you can get at the root cause.)
Then consider what is really yours to do about the about the situation at hand. If you are an engineer, finding a way to get that river of water to solve your problem may indeed be your challenge to take on. But you can’t take on every river, nor would you really want to. Your energies are much more effective when they are directed.
Then of course action is required if you would like to move on from the place that you are. Action can be a number of things. If you have looked at your monster, and then realized that it’s not something you can actually do anything about, then your action is to find a way to get ok with it. Release your attachments to things being a certain way and find the grace with how things are.
Another choice is to do something about the situation. This could mean changing rivers once you realize this one isn’t going where you want to go. Or getting involved with a group that is working on the change you feel passionately about. Another way may be endeavoring to shift how you respond and support a loved one so that all parties are respected and safe.
All of this requires bravery and a commitment to be true to yourself. It is easy to numb or stuff our feelings through countless distractions, but it isn’t a healthy long-term solution.
As an aside, there are a few times when being totally real and connected to your feelings all the time can be too much, and I speak of the process of grief. Grief takes time to heal, giving yourself permission to be distracted sometimes is necessary to functioning. Go to the amusement park, watch a movie, play a game, let yourself not be always focused on the loss. But choose wisely how you distract yourself that it doesn’t become the new normal. Let the tears flow, this is how you can be honest and allow the healing to happen.
The next time you are upset about something, take a moment to breathe, ask yourself what action can I take that’s healthy to move me forward, that is true to who I really am. Be brave and be the best you can be.
